Blog of a Million Dreams

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Interviewing Younger

I didn't get the teaching job I'd interviewed for (although I was selected to participate in a few rounds...eventually beaten out by a young, good looking guy). I'm a little bummed, because the teaching job would've helped...

So today, I was browsing through emails when I happened upon some SPAM from a job hunting service. The title of the SPAM was, "interviewing younger". Intrigued, I clicked through to read the article, only to find that if I wanted to read the article I had to log into the site.

Disgusted..I thought...Hey! I can write an article about interviewing younger. Heck, it's very apparent that in order to get-a-job-after-40, one needs to pretend to be a whole lot younger. Here are my tips...

1) Upon entering the room to meet the Hiring Manager, do the hand bump. You know, the one President Barak Obama does...the fist bump, or whatever it's called. It's annoying, it's childish, it's irritating...and it's what the twenty somethings do upon meeting. Suck it up, ball up that fist, paste on a childish smirk and go for it. You'll look like a little, immature kid. And the Hiring Manager will forget that you are approaching fifty.

2) Before the interview, when you've heard you've been selected...Twitter it to all your friends and colleagues. Preferable in a half-assed, grammatically incorrect manner...sort of like this.."hey buds, got th Apple intrvw. Hope th interviewer s smokin".

3) And don't forget to include a posting to Facebook, Digg, and all those other social networking groups. "Hey Buds, I gotta interview. U know im stoked!"

4) Onto your appearance. Try to get a few piercings and tattoos. You'll be outed as an 'old f****r" if you don't have at least one tattoo. And, if you live in California, include a tattoo of a teardrop or something that says, "Norte" or numbers. That way you'll fit right in with the diverse group of 20 somethings running the show. Don't cut your hair. If you are a female, buy breast implants or a push up bra. Include fishnet stockings and don't think that just because you're a woman you shouldn't be tattooed for heaven's sake. You might think about tattooing paw prints on your boobies. That's very popular and will take a good twenty years off your age. A nose ring is also very nice. A hacked up haircut with a trendy vibrant dye job, will also highlight your youthfulness.

5) Clothing--nothing will scream "Old Fart" more than pantihose. Ditch it. And make sure your underwear is showing, somehow. If you couldn't afford a push up bra, don't wear one at all. Of course, being over the age of 40 may make this dangerous for those around you. But, what the heck, being slugged by a droopy, flailing boobie is what that 20 something interviewing you deserves. If it happens, bat your eyes and ask the interview to admire your new dog paw print tattoos. Never, ever, ever, wear a suit (kiss of death) and ...

6) Come riding into the interview on a skateboard. If this is not physically possible, a razor scooter might do.

7) Bring your cellphone and text during the interview. Blatantly. Obviously. Rudely.

8) Take a phone call in the middle of the interview. Say, "Oh, dude, I just gotta answer this. My buddy is taking me to Vegas and I gotta find out the dope."

9) Before starting the interview, launch into a litany of demands. "Oh, before we start, I gotta know, am I gonna get every Friday off? 'Cuz I gotta meet my friend at the mall and we always want to get a heads up on the sales you know".

10) Tell the Hiring Manager you don't need health benefits because you're always healthy.

11) Ask the Hiring Manager if she/he likes to party.

12) Light up a doobie outside the office, after your interview. Make sure to ask the receptionist for a light, so everyone knows you are doing it.

So, those are my 12 tips. Anyone have anymore?


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