Blog of a Million Dreams

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders

I watched the latest episode of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader tryouts tonight on the CMT.

It was pretty sad.

They had their makeovers but I must not have been paying too close attention because they all looked the same to me when they were done.

Then the girls all got together with Drill-Sergeant-Man and climbed a telephone pole. Yes, they really did. Luckily, some of the not-quite-as-ditzy ones must have insisted on being attached to a rope, so no one died. After they climbed up to the top of the pole, they stood on it and attempted to grab a trapeze. Yes, much like what you see in a circus.

Then they all went back to the dance studio and danced for Kelly and Judy, the 60 year old ex-cheerleaders who get to decide who makes the team. After the girls danced like maniacs, they were serenaded with mean comments by Kelly and Judy.

"You have no energy!"

"You finally seem like you're getting it, dumbo..."


Then three girls were singled out for either a private scolding or to get fired from the team. There was a girl named Jordyn (I think), another girl I'll call Stripper-girl because that's what Kelly said she reminded her of, and Humiliated-girl (once I get to what happened to her in the office, you'll understand why...). The three girls had to sit on the floor of the dance studio waiting for the axe, while all the other girls bounced out of the studio. The ones who left the studio were positively chirping and bouncing with glee that they were not the ones sitting on the floor.

The first girl (I think she was Jordyn) was called into the private office. She picked herself up off the floor and went into the office. Kelly looked at her and said, (I'm paraphrasing), "Girl, you can't kick worth shit."

Jordyn said, oh I promise I'll try harder I really want to be a cheerleader, I'll work really hard on my kicks please please please let me stay.

Kelly and Judy agreed to let her stay.

Jordyn bounced into the locker room, happy that she was granted a reprieve (for now!).

Kelly and Judy had their receptionist (probably some poor soul who tried out for the cheerleaders and didn't make it but she took their abuse well so they made her receptionist), call out for Strippper-girl.

Stripper-girl had a makeover, but looked exactly the same. Anyway, she dragged into the office like she knew what was coming because Kelly had called her into the office before and more or less told her that she looked like a Hoochie.

Kelly (with Judy perched on a stool next to her) had a bunch of photos spread out on her desk. The only reason anyone might think they were rude, were that the pictures had been blurred over so that tv viewers couldn't tell if they were rude what was the point of showing them at all! I mean, c'mon, it's not like CMT is network after all.

Kelly then told Stripper-girl that she had downloaded all of Stripper-girl's rude photos from her MySpace account. If I were Stripper-girl (which I wouldn't be because I'm really not a Hoochie--even in my hot 20 year old years--while at least I don't think I have photo documentation of that time period but I digress...)..If I were Stripper-girl I would've been pissed.

I would've said something like, "Hey Kelly, what're you hot for me or sumthin? I don't swing that way stop getting off on my photos..."

But Stripper-girl just sat there while Kelly lectured her on how the Dallas Cheerleaders are so wholesome (yeah, it's just the fact that they can't afford a full uniform, not that they are so hoochie like that they choose to wear outfits with their ya-ya's and their whoo-whoo's sticking out)...Kelly said "We can't afford to have a cheerleader who would post these you have to leave now".

Stripper-girl looked like she was expecting it. But even she didn't get the abuse that the next girl endured.

Humiliated-girl was called next. Kelly and Judy looked at her with pity as she walked into the office. She had no idea. I think she really thought they liked her. And she was a pretty girl.

Kelly was embarrassed...and she should have been...what she did was just plain mean...and I'm paraphrasing here but this is basically what she said.

Kelly: "Humiliated-girl, you are starting to pick up the routines but basically we are cutting you because you don't look good in the uniform. YOU HAVE A FAT ASS."

Now, poor humiliated girl must like abuse because this was her reply: "I'll diet. I can lose 50 pounds of ass in a week, I promise."

Now if I had been Humiliated girl (which I would'nt because I have a very fine ass thank you very much), I would've said: "Screw you Kelly and Judy, you'd better start running because this fat ass is about to sit on your head!"

Humiliated girl slunk out of the office to start bawling outside in the parking lot with all of her stuff.

And Kelly and Judy at least had the grace to look embarrassed as they sat in their office (on their fat asses) and said: "I feel bad"...well they should feel bad. Dumbshits.


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