Blog of a Million Dreams

Sunday, August 03, 2008

House Reno

I've been renovating the house.

We started in April. Tore out the carpet and linoleum, replaced the bathroom vanity, painted and painted again. And then painted again.

Then we tore up the kitchen. Put in brand new cabinets (my brother and I are doing the work ourselves). Then he brought his tile saw and cut all new tile for me. I mortared and grouted it down.

Now it's August. I have to repaint and spackle and caulk the baseboards and crown moldings. I have to repaint the house (there are spots from where things were replaced, such as drapery brackets, etc.,).

The whole time this has been going on, my neighbor has had the hots for my brother (he likes his women about 20 years younger and 200 lbs lighter). She came over yesterday about 5 times with various excuses (would your brother like some old batteries? I made him some food even though I'm sick...does your brother want to come over and look at my kitchen? I'm having a party tomorrow, would your brother like to come?) She was relentless.

She waylaid him at the dumpster, when he went to throw stuff away. She approached him at his truck when he was packing up his tools. She trounced into my house at the end of the night (about 9:30 pm), and pounced on him...

He was sitting on the couch and she plopped down next to him, so close she would've sat in his lap if he hadn't scrunched up his rear onto the end of the couch.

"Jay, I want your opinion..my daughter has a hangover, now what's the best way to get over it?" she asked.

My dinner guests all stood around her, gaping.

Oh, but it got worse.

She pushed her enormous breasts onto him and cooed in this ear (at this point he looked like he was smelling a really bad fart and was stunned), "Jay, should I tell my daughter to smoke pot and will that help with the hangover?". She giggled.

I told her, "Marti, that's all we need...for you to go around saying my brother told your 21 year old daughter to smoke some pot..."

She wasn't getting the reaction she wanted so she flounced up and bopped out the door. I was stunned, my brother looked like he'd been attacked (which he had), my mother was furious and my other dinner guests looked horrified.

This morning, I went over to her house to deliver a present for her daughter. I actually think Marti was mad at me, because she was pretty cold...

Lesson learned; There are worse things than Home Renovation, and living next to a crazy neighbor is one of them.

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